To what extent is the couple dependent upon their children or their joint project for their own collective or individual identity? In the case of Bill and Fay, their professional lives and personal lives are closely intertwined and both of them seem to be pleased with this condition. As in the case of many traditional couples, Bill occupies the role of professional (in his case, lawyer), while Fay operates as the office manager and legal secretary in their small firm. A similar pattern of roles and shared responsibilities is to be found among many lawyers, dentists, architects, accountants and (until the recent changes in health care) physicians throughout the United States. According to Fay: “most days we work together in Bill’s law office, so we’re together almost twenty-four hours a day.” Bill notes with pride: “Fay developed a law office system for the personal computer, so we don’t need a legal secretary. We’ve sold that system to a few other law offices.” Fay adds to Bill’s statement: “Bill used to work for a large firm, but we’re both a lot happier in a small practice.”
Whereas many couples report that they find it impossible to be together twenty-four hours per day, Bill and Fay seem to enjoy their extensive interactions. Furthermore, Bill values Fay’s work and there seems to be very little sense of hierarchy. This mutual respect may be reinforced by Fay’s occasional work as a systems analyst and consultant outside their law practice. Their shared commitment to their law practice resides at the heart of the matter, as it does for many parents. Bill and Key are working together on something that is of importance to both of them. They chose to start their own small law firm precisely because it would give them an opportunity to work together. In virtually all other aspects of their lives they make adjustments to ensure that they have substantial time together and that their daily routine is maintained. This is an enmeshed couple, yet their enmeshment was freely chosen and is working effectively for both of them.
Earlier, the phenomenon of enmeshment and the balance between enmeshment and disengagement were discussed—this balance must be struck when two people first fall in love. An appropriate balance must once again be found when a couple is raising children or conducting a mutual project. This is the critical normative issue that a couple must address with regard to this developmental plate. This issue builds directly on one of the two issues of the storming stage: who is responsible for what (given the amount of time and attention each partner will devote to child rearing or the project)? A deeper issue is really at the heart of the matter with regard to this development plate. It concerns the role that the child (children) or project will play in the ongoing relationship between the partners. As a tangible manifestation of the two partner’s love for one another, how can the child (children) or project help the relationship stay together and hopefully become an even more abundant source of joy and growth for each partner?
