When watching Paul (the therapist) working with Jake and Amy, I also saw some of the sources of their disagreements and differences are not just based on behavioral and communication levels rather it goes deeper than that — the powerful beliefs, myths and themes which inform the behavior. In helping them to unearth all that, I must make sure their themes must be co-evolved by me and Amy and Jake; to make certain that the theme does not end up laying blame on one partner (the process has to be non-blaming); and continuously to challenge their beliefs which are constricting or impoverishing to them both. (i.e. Personal beliefs, what the beliefs do in the primary couple relationship; how these beliefs play out in other relationships and, finally, how they manifest in the family of origin and culture.)
In all of my therapy and training, not one therapist or teacher had told me I am supposed to be responsible for my own feelings or taught me how to love myself. It took me years to learn and now my core work is just that — additional to the conventional therapy, I also coach my clients to take responsibility for their feelings and to learn to love themselves so they could share their love (instead ‘to love to get love’) with their significant other.
Last and not least, based on Karen Horney’s three Personality Types of neurotic people, I will use the HDS (Hogan Development Survey) to help Amy and Jake to further develop and grow. By doing their own individual work it resets everything, once they learned to take responsibility for themselves, the whole energy changes between them and the good news is it does not take very long.
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References
Adshead, G. & Jacob, C. (2009). Personality Disorder (The Definitive Reader).Philadelphia, PA, USA: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Burger, J.M. (2008). Personality (7th Edition). Belmont, CA, USA: Thomson Wadsworth.
Mobley Group Pacific (2009). Hogan Assessment Inventories. http://www.peterberry.com.au/hogan-assessments
