I believe that our relationship was also established and “cemented” at another level. Gary and I were both “way over our heads” at this conference. Virtually all of the other people attending this invitation-only conference were older, more experienced and of a highly level in the academic pecking order than Gary and me. I was sent as a substitute to this conference and Gary was invited because he was one of the few people in the United States who were actually helping colleges work together (the theme of this conference). Gary’s colleges were small and “unimportant” in the grand scheme of themes, whereas my organization was large and “important” but was represented by someone who was not important (me)! As a result of our precarious status, Gary and I were both anxious and worried about being “found out.” I think we found some “safety” that evening in the Holiday Inn bar. It was at this point that Gary became my “Chum.”
As Harry Stack Sullivan (1953a) indicated, our friendships with those who are of the same gender can be more intimate in some ways than the relationships we have with those of the same gender. While the matter of gender-identification has become much more challenging in recent years, there is still the matter of intimacy—especially intimacy that is found not in sexuality but in openness to being vulnerable, to expressing one’s deepest feelings and to establish a theory-of-mind with a special person As I have noted, Sullivan suggests that this form of intimacy is often found, at least during adolescence, among our “chums” of the same gender. We also find this kind of “chum” relationship among “straight” women and gay men. They can be “intimate” with one another precisely because it is not sexualized. The straight woman and gay man become “beards” for one another. Their relationship might be hiding the male’s sexual preference or the importance of this relationship for both of them. Together, these “intimate” friends often feel “liberated” from the usual male/female roles.
A shared myth and sense of self resided for many years at the heart of the matter for me and my “chum” Gary Quehl. Even when both of us were well-established and running nationally-known programs, Gary and I always viewed ourselves as “outsiders.” We were fighting against the “big guys” (prestigious universities) and outmoded ideas during our twenty-five years together as working partners. The stance Gary and I were taking can be portrayed as “side by side.” On a movie poster, Gary and I would be standing next to one another looking not at one another but at the attacking “enemy—much like Robert Redford and Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Lydia Denworth (2020, p. 156) suggests that this is the stereotypic stance of men as friends. We are friends on behalf of something bigger or something threatening. Side-by-Side friendships always seem to have an instrumental aspect.
In this spirit of being the “underdogs” and champions of the “oppressed” (members of less prestigious colleges and universities), Gary Quehl and I ran many successful faculty and administrative development programs, involving more than 500 colleges and universities. We published many higher education books together (including the acclaimed three volume series on faculty development). And later worked together on projects outside the domain of postsecondary education. Our relationship was always flavored with a sense of shared accomplishment.
Within a year after launching the faculty development in New York City, Gary and I became dear friends and buddies. We stayed in each other’s home, spent many evenings appreciating great food and wine, and were there to offer support as each of us went through painful divorces. I ended up introducing Gary to his current (long-term) wife, while Gary and I were hosting a conference that led to my acquaintance with a conference-attendee who became my own current (long-term) wife. Gary and I have grown old together. We now live at opposite ends of the American continent, but still find ways to be together and look forward to sharing meals, drinks and memories — accompanied by our wives.
