The relationship between Gary Quehl and myself can be identified as Meta-Phasic. This relationship has endured, even as the nature and “purpose” of the relationship has changed over time. It not only has existed in multiple phases, it is “meta-phasic” because Gary and I are fully aware of the shifts that have occurred and have gained insights regarding other relationships in our life by reflecting on our own relationship (“meta-learning”). Over a few glasses of wine or something stronger, we often reflect on what has happened in our life and how we have supported one another in a variety of ways. The old warriors still meet together to reflect back on their battles together
Gary and I have identified patterns in our relationship and looked to ways in which these patterns can be nurtured in other important relationships we have established. For example, Gary and I have found a way to create new projects together just before the end of an existing project. We learned how to make use of each other’s strengths. I am a good idea person, while Gary is great at operationalizing and marketing the idea. Over the years, we were able to manage our instrumental friendship with agility as the nature of the project changed and the organization in which this project was enacted changed.
From the first, I particularly appreciate Gary’s willingness to take a risk (e.g listening to another young man’s ideas at a noisy bar in Wisconsin). When working with Gary, it is only important that there is an occasional win—and this means that there will be some inevitable losses along the way. I have had both big wins and embarrassing losses with Gary over the years. Gary and I have also had some big wins and losses in our personal lives (especially marriages) and have been there with one another to celebrate the wins (wedding ceremonies) and support the losses (divorces). My relationship with Gary Quehl has taught me that this is what a strong, enduring friendship is all about.
My Companion: Enduring Female Friendship
Most of my friendships have been established through work with another person on a project. I have not lived in many communities where neighbors frequently get together—largely because I have preferred to live in “remote” locations where neighbors do not live near one another. Furthermore, over the years, I have devoted most of my waking hours to relationships with my immediate family and relationships with people who share an ongoing project with me. As in the case of Gary Quehl, these working relationships sometime gradually transform into enduring friendships. One of these relationships is with Gay Teurman. Dr. Teurman was a doctoral student at the graduate school where I served as president. She then became a faculty member at this school and eventually served as my chief program administrator. She also became a close friend.
I find that my friendships with women often take on a different character from my friendships with men. I stand side-by-side with men, but stand face-to-face with Gay and other women. I can be a “chum” to Gary, but there is something of a companionship in my relationship with Gay. She is not my wife, not my lover or even my “girlfriend” – but she shares something quite intimate. We look directly at each other and find something important in this relationship itself. As Denworth (2020, p166) observers, this face-to-face stance is common among women. It is not the side-to-side stance of Redford and Newman (or Gary and myself).
While the work that Gay and I do together on behalf of our graduate school students takes on the character of raising children together, it also takes on the character of a special nurturing “care-ship”. Gay and I can relax together after a day teaching a course or facilitating a retreat. There might not be any reflection back on the day’s work, but there is a quiet savoring by each of us of the other person’s skill and devotion, as well as the special nature of our relationship.
