A colleague of mine who specializes in couple’s therapy suggests that each member of a couple have many “affairs” with other people – just don’t make them sexual! When we rely on our life-partner for all forms of companionship, then we are asking for trouble. They can’t meet all of our needs and rarely share all of our interests. Other people in our life can serve some of our needs (such as adventure) and share some of our interests (such as sports). In the case of Gay Teurman, she shares my deep interest in psychology and education, as well as meeting my need for a skillful collaborator. While I have worked with my wife as a co-facilitator of workshops, she does not share my commitment to psychological education. Dr. Teurman does (and is a good friend of my wife).
My Focused Friendships: Once and Twice Born
Many of my friendships are with those who belong to the same network. This network has changed over time—for a fairly narrow focus on higher education, to a much broader focus on coaching and consulting, and recently to a much narrower focus on co-authorship. I have sustained project-based relationships with most of these friends though some have moved beyond attention to specific projects.
In seeking to make sense of these diverse friendships, I have turned to the wisdom offered many years ago by William James (1982/1900), who differentiated between people who are “once-born” in their religious belief and those who are “twice born.” The once-born are those people who remain constant in the religious beliefs they acquired in childhood, or their transition to a somewhat different set of religious beliefs and tenants has been gradual—and even unnoticeable unless brought to the believer’s attention. Twice-born religious paths, on the other hand, involve quite visible (even dramatic) change in religious beliefs and practices. Those who are twice-born go through one or more profound “conversions” from one religious belief to another, or from a low level of religious commitment to a high level.
I borrow from William James in suggesting that some of my friendships are “once born.” They either don’t change over time or change very slowly. These are often friendship that are established around one project (such as writing an essay together) and come to an end once the project is completed. The gradual once-born friendship typically takes place when I engage in several related projects with a colleague. We continue to focus on whatever project is in front of us, but will begin to inquire about each other’s family or will find a good excuse to meet together for lunch (if living near each other) in order to “discuss our work.” The lunch often ends up being more about our personal lives, past history and future aspirations, then about the “project.” If we don’t live near each other, then we might schedule a phone or Zoom call for “updates” on the project—but end up talking about many matters other than the work we are doing together.
I have experienced several important and dramatic shifts in relationships among friends that are aligned with William James’ description of “Twice-Born.” Something occurs that leads to a significant change in the character and depth of the friendship. Some of the twice-born “conversions” in a friendship takes place when one of my friends becomes ill. This occurred several times during the early years of COVID-19. Suddenly, it was a matter of life-and-death (or at least sustained disability or return to health). The project was set aside during a period of ill health. I felt a “compulsion” to check in with my friend—not on behalf of the project but rather on behalf of my friend’s health. I wanted to be supportive, empathetic and helpful (in some way). I often didn’t know how to manage this new form of friendship nor did I know what to do with the project (to which I was still committed). As in the case of twice-born religious conversions, there are many moments of uncertainty among those trying to relate in a new way to the “transformed” friend.
