We might learn about sexuality in the back seat of a car, but learn about intimacy in the corner booth of a fast-food restaurant where we meet with our best friend every afternoon after school. We care enough about our chum that we will learn about their interests and help them feel good about themselves—and this required a theory of mind. Thus, it is that friendships forged during adolescence are often major sources of our personal insights regarding both identity and intimacy. We are assisted by (and perhaps fully dependent on) our friends in fending off Erikson’s role confusion while gaining a sense of personal identity.
Empathy and Support
We can now return to the theory of mind. It is during the adolescent years that the theory of mind becomes the capacity for empathy (Denworth, 2020, p. 61). Within the context of our friendships, we can share feeling, match our friend’s behavioral states, and both recognize and appreciate the feelings of our friend. Most importantly, we are motivated to do something about our friend’s suffering. In essence, as Denworth (2020, p. 61) has concluded: “empathy of any sort begins with something very fundamental: the ability to know where you end and another individual begins. It requires a sense of self.” I would suggest that this can be quite challenging if we are gaining our sense of self from the relationship we have established. If our friend is hurting then are we also hurting since we remold our self within a relationship? Are we wounded along with our friend—and, frankly, is the whole world hurting when my friend and I are engaged in some attempt to heal (one another)> Denworth (2020, pp. 61-62) identifies the emotional contagion that can occur in a friendship. Is this inevitable—especially when we are living through our emotionally-charged teenage and early adult years?
It is “with a little help from our friends” that we gain a sense of empathy—and learn about intimacy. It is during our adolescent years that we forge this capacity to be empathetic and intimate. It is during these critical years that we seek to avoid Erikson’s alternative—which is isolation (and loneliness). In the midst of the 21st Century, with many young people remaining in their bedroom living vicariously in a digital world of avatars and alternative realities that the formation of real, in-person friendships might be particularly important. Role confusion and isolation might be endemic to our digital world and friendship might be the cure. While Artificial Intelligence might threaten to rule the world, it can’t replace the genuine, caring relationship established among friends in the corner booth.
Building our Career
Erikson suggests that our early years of adulthood are primarily concerned with building a family (for those in traditional relationships) and building one’s career (for those in the middle class). Furthermore, the Ericksonians often propose that there are not enough hours in the day to fully meet all of these expectations regarding family and career. A tension often exists for the young adult about establishing and balancing priorities. In some cases, in recent years, this has meant forgoing or at least deferring the formation of an enduring, intimate relationship with another person and starting a family with them.
What then about friends. If we don’t have time for family or encounter major pressure at work, then how in the world do we find time for friends? The answer often is that our friendships are established at work and are often wrapped around projects in the workplace or at home. Sigmund Frued is reported to have said that satisfaction in life is based on love and work. Perhaps, the greatest opportunity for satisfaction in life comes when love (or at least friendship) is interwoven with work (Smelser and Erikson, 1980).
