Directly apropos to the writings of Joseph Luft about the mystery of interpersonal relationships, Martin Buber suggests that “all real life is meeting. The relation to the Thou is direct. No system of ideas, no foreknowledge, and no fancy intervene between I and Thou.” In such a relationship—appreciative and direct—trust is created. All three kinds of trust are created. Trust, in turn, as I have already noted, is the driving force behind the dynamics of the New Johari Window. Appreciation creates trust, and trust enables appropriate and constructive disclosure and feedback to occur. In this setting, both the opaque (Q2) and protected (Q3) self retreat, while an authentic public self (Q1) emerges and the potentials of the unknown (Q4) self can be released.
I am offering a very powerful, though overly generalized, formula for effective human interaction. I propose that an appreciative perspective should under-gird any attempt to understand and hopefully improve interpersonal relationships. I believe that this appreciative approach holds the key to effective relationships; thus, the New Johari Window is devoted to the description of this approach and to the identification of strategies needed to engage in appreciative relationships. What is the nature of such a perspective? In essence, an appreciative perspective concerns a willingness to engage in dialogue with another person from an assumption of mutual respect and mutual search for discovery of distinctive competencies and strengths. This simple statement might at first seem to be rather naive and idealistic. As we trace out its implications, however, a series of profound insights and realistic strategies emerge.
Understanding Another Person
The term appreciation itself has several different meanings that tend to build on one another. Fundamentally, however, appreciation refers to a clearer understanding of another person’s perspective: we come to appreciate the point of view being offered by another person or the situation in which this person finds herself. This appreciation, in turn, comes not from some detached observation, but rather from direct engagement. One gains knowledge from an appreciative perspective by “identifying with the observed.”
Compassion rather than objectivity is critical. One cares about that being studied and about those people one is assisting. Neutrality is inappropriate in such a setting, though compassion implies neither a loss of discipline nor a loss of boundaries between one’s own problems and perspectives and those of the other person. Appreciation, in other words, is about fuller understanding, not merger, with another person’s problems or identity.
Valuing Another Person
Appreciation also refers to an increase in worth or value. A painting or stock portfolio appreciates in value. Van Gogh looked at a vase of sunflowers and in appreciating (painting) these flowers, he increased their value for everyone. Van Gogh similarly appreciated and brought new value to his friends through his friendship: “Van Gogh did not merely articulate admiration for his friend: He created new values and new ways of seeing the world through the very act of valuing.”
Peter Vaill recounts a scene from the movie Lawrence of Arabia in which Lawrence tells a British Colonel that his job at the Arab camp was to “appreciate the situation.” By “appreciating the situation,” Lawrence assessed and helped add credibility to the Arab cause, much as a knowledgeable jeweler or art appraiser can increase the value of a diamond or painting through nothing more than thoughtful appraisal. Lawrence’s appreciation of the Arab situation, in turn, helped to produce a new level of courage and ambition on the part of the Arab communities with which Lawrence was associated. At the interpersonal level, this valuing of another person often requires selective engagement. We understand and value particular people and choose to spend time, disclose important information about ourselves, and readily receive feedback from these few people. As I suggested in a previous essay, with regard to the selective self, this type of engagement may be particularly important in the harried, turbulent, saturating world of 21st Century postmodernism.
