While it is important to learn from the content of specific feedback, in the long run it is even more important in a relationship to discover appropriate occasions and appropriate sequence of interactions that lead to constructive feedback in this relationship. The truth about our self in a specific relationship (from Quad Two to Quad One) is not the most important thing.
Feedback about the struggles to give helpful and constructive feedback (2nd Order Learning) is more important and more difficult to give than the feedback itself (1st Order Learning). This appreciative and double loop learning can be invaluable in not only the improvement of a current relationship, but also the establishment of future relationships. “When and how am I open to feedback in this specific relationship and what does this tell me about requesting and receiving feedback in future relationships?” With this double loop learning, we can more readily let other people know that we want feedback and how-and-when we want it. I will say more about this in Chapter Seven.
We can also listen to lessons being taught by the British School. We invite both parties in the relationship to reclaim their projections. The British School also encourages us to appreciate the wisdom of defenses. We can assume an appreciative perspective with regard to being selective and timely in the request for and reception of feedback from other people. It is particularly important for us to appreciate the wisdom of our defenses when we seek to become more aware of self-feedback.
The British School encourages us to look at our own slips of the tongue. These slips can occur when we feel safe and when we are ready to gain insights about ourselves—this is part of the wisdom of our defenses. Our slips should be appreciated: these slips offer us small self-insights. We are giving ourselves feedback (Q4 to Q1 or Q3). On the other hand, the wisdom of our defenses suggests that there are good psychological reasons for being blind to certain things and we should respect our own reticence to receive feedback from other people or probe to deeply into our own slips of the tongue.
The British School suggests that we should also appreciate ways in which our “shadow” (more about this in Chapter Six) is telling us about our self. We should pay attention, in particular, to energy levels and fatigue—for our defenses will consume an enormous amount of psychic energy that tends to translate into physical energy.
Looking Ahead
With these preliminary recommendations regarding Quad Two and the processes of constructive feedback in mind, we are ready to turn to a companion element of human interaction—Quadrant Three—and to the processes of constructive disclosure.
