Kevin would have to say, “I’m uncomfortable in talking about skills and expertise I might or might not have, yet I know that you need to know what I can do when working with you on the finances of this institution.” Sheila, in turn, would have to say, “I really don’t want to share my own concerns about my financial expertise and about your financial expertise, though I know that you need to know how you can be of greatest help to me and to this institution.”
Ironically, this level of disclosure about what we don’t want to disclose often opens the door to greater trust in competence, intentions and perspective and to an increased willingness to discuss some of this problematic Quad Three material. At the very least, this meta-level disclosure reveals the dilemmas that exist in the relationship between Sheila and Kevin (and that exist, for that matter, in most sustained relationships). Being aware of these dilemmas, both parties can be more empathetic and more patient with one another as they seek to establish a viable interpersonal relationship.
Involuntary disclosures are, of course, also being made. This is where external locus of control (Q3:E) enters the picture. Social custom actually prescribes the kinds of things ordinarily exchanged. Resistance to sharing things like the kind of work you do, your place of residence, your reactions to the weather, and general information on why you happen to be at the meeting are noted by others and assumed to be indicative of a desire to be left at a certain psychological distance.
If the group reinforces social custom by jointly concurring on what is shared—for instance, the kind of work each one does—then it would be much more serious to hold back. But the real question in early relationships concerns disclosure over which one has control. To what extent does one share private reactions and feelings—especially about what is going on at the moment? According to Luft, “A qualitative shift in the atmosphere takes place with the sharing of private reactions, tension may mount above the conventional meeting level, and the prospects for significant interactions are increased.”
