At the heart of the matter is a fear of unwanted responsibility or authority. Second, I might not disclose my need for control (proactive) or wait for other people to identify my need (reactive), because I am afraid that these other people will reject my authority or influence. Worse yet, they might disregard my need for control and my competency in exerting this control.
As in the case of the need for inclusion, this assumption is based in a fear of rejection. Third, I might keep my need for control in Quad Three, because I assume that other people aren’t interested in my need for control. They have their own agenda and their own control needs—and perhaps view my need for control as somehow a source of competition. As in the case of inclusion needs, this assumption would be based on a fear of indifference or perhaps a fear of competition.
These assumptions can lead me into serious trouble, for my reticence to disclose my need for control could prove to be unwarranted. I will never know if other people want me to take charge, because I have never tested out these assumptions. Other people might simply unaware of my need for control (as well as inclusion or openness), since I keep it in Quad Three. Self-fulfilling prophecies often abound in this situation, as they did when the need for inclusion is hidden in Quad Three. I don’t disclose my need for control and influence, because I assume that other people will reject or be indifferent to this need.
Other people don’t respond to my need, because they don’t know of this need (not because they wish to reject me, are indifferent to my need or believe that I am not capable of providing control or influence). I interpret their apparent non-responsiveness as evidence of their rejection, indifference or negative assessment of my competence. This further dampens my desire to disclose this need for control. Once again, the chain of self-fulfilling prophecy is strengthened and unwarranted assumptions are reinforced.
Openness
A strong need for interpersonal openness is often associated with a third fundamental issue that is framed in the following question: “How open do I want to be?” A closely related question is: “What happens to our relationship if I tell you what I really think and feel?” There are two other prominent concerns for the person who greatly values openness: “I want to share my feelings, thoughts or reactions with this other person or with members of this group.” However, “I fear group settings in which it is not clear when it is appropriate to speak up or to share aspects of one’s inner world.”
As in the case of inclusion and control, any concerns about interpersonal openness that are housed in Quad Three can take on either a proactive or reactive form. In both cases, the retention of my need for openness in Quad Three is indeed paradoxical – but all-too-common. I am not open about my need for openness. In the case of a proactive stance, I decide not to express my need for openness. Conversely, with regard to a reactive stance,
I wait for other people to identify and articulate my need for openness. When I am proactive in withholding disclosure of my need for openness (Quad Three), it is likely that I don’t want to disclose this need to other people. I take a reactive stance when I have a strong need for openness, but don’t express this need (it remains in Quad Three). As in the case of inclusion and control, I somehow expect other people to “know” that I have this need.
The withholding of my need for openness (retained in Quad Three) could result from one or more of three interpersonal conditions. I might not want to be open because I don’t trust the intentions, competencies or perspective of other members of the relationship or group with regard to their reception of my openness. I don’t want to disclose my need for openness (proactive) or don’t want other people to discover my need for openness (reactive) because I don’t trust other people in this relationship or group. At the heart of the matter is a fear of unwanted openness (my own or other people’s).
Second, I might not disclose my need for openness (proactive) or wait for other people to identify my need (reactive), because I am afraid that these other people will reject me and disregard my need for openness. This is perhaps the most painful forms of rejection—I don’t want to know more about you. Thus a fear of rejection may be particular strong with regard to this third interpersonal need. Third, I might keep my need for openness in Quad Three, because I assume that other people aren’t interested in my need for openness. Once again, this is a particularly powerful motive not to let people know that I wish to be open or wish them to be open. This is a particularly poignant version of the fear of indifference.
