Divorce and Second Marriage
The decision about whether to have children is moot in many instances among contemporary men and women. They are either now single parents, having never been married or divorced, or have joined together with another person who produced children from a previous relationship. The issue of Generativity One now carries over to responsibilities faced by the single parent or a new couple relationship. Thus, the question becomes not whether to have children in their lives but, rather, the extent to which they choose to continue assuming responsibility for parenting these children. At the same time, the question might also concern the extent to which both parties of a new couple relationship are actively involved in rearing children who are already present, and whether the couple will have children of their own to raise along with those already present. As we all know, things can get quite complex.
This brief summary of the complex relationship between a divorced father and his children is replicated in the lives of many of today’s men and women. The children stay with one parent and spend time with their other parent only on weekends or only a few times each year. It is often a devastating experience for both parents, and particularly for the parent who does not have primary custody of the children. The dream of Generativity One is often shattered because the aspiration of the parent to be with his or her children all the time while they are growing up is set aside. If the parent with custody moves away with the children, or if the parent without custody moves elsewhere, the separation generates difficult choices: should the parent without custody stay in the community where the children live or move to the same community as the parent with custody? How much sacrifice should the divorced parent make, especially given the anger and sense of betrayal that are often experienced by both parents?
There is another ingredient that plays out in the life of many divorced parents. After the divorce, one of the men we interviewed for the Sage project indicated that his children occasionally visited him when he lived in Chicago. Sometimes he visited them in Ohio. However, he never really had a full-time “home” with his children. This resulted in a generativity gap. Best understood, Generativity One is most often envisioned and enacted in a highly tangible manner: “I provide a home. I provide security. I am there to tuck them in bed every evening.”
True, some degree of parenting security for children is provided through child support or regular alimony payments, but this is simply not the same thing as full-time Generativity One. As one of our other community Sage leaders noted, “It’s not just a matter of providing a ‘home’ for my children; there is also the absence of a complete family.” He reported that the children would stay at his home, but at the end of the day there was still someone “outside” his home–namely, his ex-wife. No matter how much he was enraged by his ex-spouse, her absence was “haunting”— at least until a second person in his life helped to care for his children. This is the topic to which we now turn.
Many couples involved in second marriages decide not to have any more children. Sometimes this decision is relatively easy for the couple to make; at other times it is quite difficult and often remains an unresolved tension within the second marriage. In some cases, we found that the young adults we interviewed didn’t have to worry about fitting children into their busy work lives because they were unable to give birth to their own children. This inability to have children can often be a source of considerable stress and strain in a relationship, unless the young adult couple can direct their energy and desire to create something together toward another valued end.
