Child-rearing is frequently the source of contentious arguments about both financial priorities and other areas of responsibility, at least for couples who have young children living at home. Many couples we interviewed pointed to the birth of their first or second child as a joyous event, but also the source of considerable strain in their relationship. In the midst of Generativity One and the opportunity for shared Personal Worth, they are often trying to discover new ways in which to structure their lives and the relationship with their life partner (including finances, attitudes about home and possessions, career, and values). This often happens while their children are also exploring new ways of relating to their parents, siblings, friends, and the world in general.
Even for those men and women who have grown children, the issue of child-rearing can raise its contentious head. As we have already suggested, Generativity One doesn’t end after children leave home. A sense of parent-related Personal Worth is only sustained with continuation of deep caring relationships with our children. A “care-package” (shacks, healthy beverages, and a brief note expressing love and support) go a long way in sustaining a deep caring relationship with our daughter going away to college. A weekly phone call with son, daughter-in-law and grandkids makes sense as we grow older. Visits to the homes of our children during the summer help with sustained Personal Worth for both of us as aging parents.
In the case of projects, the issue of time is often compounded by a concern for the appropriate and feasible allocation of money. How much do we want to invest in this new business? How much can we afford in terms of veterinary and boarding costs for our cherished dog or horse? Where do we find the money to remodel our prized kitchen? To what extent is our Personal Worth invested in the project? Are we ignoring other sources of Personal Worth (especially shared Personal Worth) in our commitment of time and money to that special project?
Rules Governing Generativity One
What are the rules of the game when it comes to raising kids or starting a major project? And how do we set priorities and conduct ourselves? Rule-setting is particularly difficult and critical when the decision is jointly made by both members of a couple—as it often is with Generativity One and when both members of the couple are invested in a shared sense of Personal Worth. Even when a couple has arrived at a comfortable decision about the priority that they will assign in their lives to the raising of children, they still must find common ground on the rules of conduct and type and degree of discipline they will exert in raising their children or building a project together.
Frequently, voices from previous points in their lives (typically, their own childhood) come to the fore. Grown men and women hear themselves mouth the words and warnings they heard from their parent when young; words and warnings they once vowed never to use themselves! Men and women who find themselves agreeing on most issues in their lives (e.g., politics, music, literature, recreation) suddenly find themselves on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to raising children. More often, partners know that they have some differences of opinion about raising children, having come from very different families; however, they often don’t realize how deeply engrained these patterns of behavior are and how frustrating it can be to raise children with another person who is absolutely “nuts” (usually regarded as either a Nazi or an anarchist!) regarding the raising of children.
