An appreciative perspective is engaged when an emphasis is placed on the realization of inherent potential and the uncovering of latent strengths rather than on the identification of weaknesses or deficits. People and organizations “do not need to be fixed. They need constant reaffirmation.” (Cooperrider, 1990) With this perspective in place, Envy is transformed into appreciation and active engagement with the strengths of another person.
This appreciative engagement can be in-person or at a distance. It can be found in the study of a famous person’s life or in an interview with someone at work who is to be admired. Deep learning can even occur through the study and review of one’s heritage. If one were to interview a great-grandfather or great-grandmother, what might be learned about their courage and confrontation with adversity that remains embedded in the family’s DNA? A colleague of mine who works with families proposes that patterns of behavior and lessons learned from seven previous generations are lingering in our Head and Heart. We can take advantage of these patterns and lessons. Furthermore, we should be mindful of our own behavior and lessons learned, for they will have an impact on our descendants for seven generations!
Happiness and Optimism
I address the matter of happiness and optimism from several cautious perspectives, for both happiness and optimism can be avenues for the escape from the pain and agony of both loss and regret. We take risks, fail, and try to reframe everything as a unique source of happiness or as a rich opportunity for new learning and growth. I will consider each of these transformational strategies to be viable avenues to authentic happiness and realistic optimism but must first consider the “shadow” side of both happiness and optimism.
Regret and Happiness
Housel (2020, p. 41) has suggested that happiness might just be “results minus expectations” while Kahneman has mentioned studies that showed how a state of happiness can improve performance (Kahneman, 2011, pp. 68-69) and can serve as a powerful decision-making heuristic (Kahneman, 2011, pp. 101-103). Kahneman (2011, p. 407) also suggested that happiness is an elusive concept that is not easy to tie down. What then is happiness, and how does it relate to regret?
I turn to a psychologist working down the road from Kahneman. As a noted Harvard researcher, Daniel Gilbert turned to a more popular genre when writing about happiness (Gilbert, 2006). He even appeared in several widely shown commercials for insurance that spoke indirectly about regret and happiness. Gilbert begins his presentation on Regret by referencing a famous scene from the movie, Casablanca. He focuses on the final scene in this movie when Ingrid Bergman is painfully bidding farewell to someone she loves (Humphrey Bogart) and boarding a plane with Victor, her husband (an anti-Nazi rebel), who is fleeing arrest and probable execution. Gilbert (2006, p.196) picks up the dialogue:
“Bogey turns to Bergman and says: ‘Inside we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life.'”
