There is one other source of pain that is usually unique to monetary failure or abandoning a dream. This is the pain associated with the “knife-blade” experience of Shame. Other people are likely to witness our monetary failure or loss of our dream. They feel sorry for us, blame us, express anger toward us (if the failure and loss impacted them), or simply shake their head in disbelief. Our inadequacy is on fully display, and we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Bargaining
The third phase of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief is bargaining. This stage involves going to a higher power and essentially trying to barter for the return of whatever is lost or in the process of being lost. While this stage is more prominent when the grief concerns the impending death of another person or ourself, it also shows up in often subtle ways regarding monetary loss or abandonment of a dream.
We bargain with ourself in sorting out the reasons for our failure and/or the steps to be taken in rectifying the situation. As an early stage in the grieving process, this bargaining is often quite irrational. It might look more like pleading than bargaining. While we beg God for reprieve when facing the death of a loved one, bargaining regarding money often takes the form of declaring we will be more fiscally responsible if somehow the monetary loss is not as great. Who is the recipient of this declaration? It can be another person (such as a spouse), or it can be our financial counsellor or banker. Sometimes it is God or Fate.
The bargaining is a bit more complex when it comes to the abandonment of a dream. Often joined by regret, the grieving that is found in the lost or abandoned path to success often produces a bizarre kind of bargaining. We might bargain with Fate, hoping to recover the path we were on. It is a bit like the theme of Groundhog Day when the protagonist (Bill Murray) is given multiple opportunities to “get it right” (in this case, successful courtship of the woman portrayed by Andie MacDowell). We might instead bargain for a replay of the total narrative concerning our failed dream. Perhaps, we “got it wrong” regarding the failure. Maybe, there was success of which we were unaware.
Another popular movie, It’s A Wonderful Life, represents a different kind of bargaining. This Frank Capra movie portrays Jimmy Stewart as a desperate man (George Bailey) who is confronting his failed life by choosing to commit suicide. He is saved by Clarence, a stumbling guardian angel, who plays out the life that would have been lived by Bailey’s family, friends, and members of his Bedford Falls community if he had died at an early age. Many bad things would have happened if George Bailey had died. While Jimmy Stewart’s character might not have been bargaining for this new appreciation of the life he has led, members of the audience are often repeatedly watching this movie (at Christmas time) as a way to claim a positive reframing of their own life—a life that may be saturated with unfulfilled dreams. The viewers have successfully bargained with Frank Capra and the producers of Wonderful Life for a feeling of self-appreciation and Christmas joy amid a troubling life.
