I recently had a dream that I vividly recall. I am on a stage in a community theater building. I am the lead in a play that I have not prepared for in any way. This is the dress rehearsal, and I don’t know my lines. Furthermore, this is a musical and I must sing. I think it is Rogers and Hammerstein’s’ Carousel – so I do know this musical and some of its songs. I offer a few lines of dialogue (that I have just made up) and then start to sing. I think the song is “If I love you.” My voice isn’t great–but it is minimally acceptable, and I get away with it.
This scene ends. I am suddenly outside the theater. I am standing on the edge of a Bay (I think it is the San Francisco Bay). I am looking at the buildings of the city. They are magnificent. All shiny Black – almost as if they were made of obsidian. The buildings are very complex and delicate in their design—quite Baroque with many statues carved into small windows, niches, and shelves. Very intense. I spend quite a bit of time just looking at, marveling at, and appreciating the buildings of this city.
Then I have to move on and suddenly realize that I am actually at the top of a building. It is like a cliff. I somehow have to get to the bottom of the cliff/building. I am terrified. I slowly begin to make my way down from the top of the building. I often have to hang on to a ledge and lower myself slowly to the next level.
At one point, I must leap down about five feet to the top of a lower building. I am terrified. I want to stop but can’t. I have to get to the bottom of the building. I have to get to secure ground. I am crawling along a ledge and then jump several feet to yet another roof of a lower building. I finally arrived on the ground. I walk a few feet and realize that I am now at the edge of an actual cliff. I look down and see that where I want to end up will require me to find a way down the cliff. I extend my gaze and see that I am looking at a landscape that is filled with many cliffs, ridges, and valleys. I have many challenges ahead as I consider how to navigate down the cliff. I am frightened and not confident that I can climb down from the cliff and navigate this rugged landscape. I am very tired and discouraged regarding the journey ahead. I wake up.
Interpreting the Dream and Setting the Stage for this Essay
As I reflect on this dream, it reminds me of my childhood fear of heights. As a child, I hiked with my family up the side of a tall hill in Illinois called Starved Rock. At the top of this hill, I am looking down from the top of the hill to the Fox River below. I am terrified. My brother teases me and threatens to push me off the cliff. I cry and want to return to our car at the bottom of Starved Rock. I often dreamt as a child of falling off this cliff down to the river.
I also reflect on my ambivalence regarding the buildings in this “wandering” dream. I admire the intricate design of the buildings and their detailed Baroque designs. However, I also worry about how I can somehow crawl down to the ground floor of these buildings. The beautiful Baroque niches become narrow ledges that I must cling to and traverse. As a child, I often played “cowboys and Indians” with my brother and several neighborhood kids. We raced around the grounds of a courthouse in our small town in Illinois. I always played the role of Indian and (with one of my neighbors) would climb up to a niche on one of the courthouse walls (a reset in the thick stone calls where a window was placed). This niche was a source of not only security (hiding from the “cowboys”) but also fear (high off the ground).
