Etiology of Loneliness: according to many psychologists, the experience of loneliness is associated with the level and manner of attachment that exists between the lonely person and other people in their life. Attachments, in turn, are formed during our early life. The founder of attachment theory, John Bowlby is quoted by Cacioppo and Patrick (2008, p. 7) as identifying the critical role played by this developmental challenge of childhood: “To be isolated from your band, and, especially when young, to isolated from your particular caretaker is fraught and the greatest danger.”
Bowlby (1973) identifies several sources of dangerous attachments as well as form of attachment that allow us to be alone but not lonely as adults. He bases his formulation of attachment sources on three propositions regarding personality functioning and development (Bowlby, 1973, p. 359):
“The first is that, whenever an individual is confident that an attachment figure will be available to him when he desires it, that person will be much less prone to either intense or chronic fear than will an individual who for any reason has no such confidence. The second postulates that confidence in the accessibility and responsiveness of attachment figures, or a lack of it, is built up slowly during all the years of immaturity and that, once developed, expectations tend to persist relatively unchanged throughout the rest of life. The third postulates that expectations regarding the availability of attachment figures that different individuals build up are tolerably accurate reflections of the experiences those individuals have actually had.”
Given these three propositions, Bowlby (1973) offers his assessment of what a positive source of attachment looks like. This form of attachment is called “Secure.” As a child, we can rely on consistent, affirming relationships with our primary caregiver(s) (usually parents). As adults we can embrace intimate relationships, because of this history of secure attachments. AS Bowlby noted, expectations regarding secure relationships tend to persist. We can balance dependence and independence in relationships—which allows us to live with the independence of being alone.
Things are not quite as sanguine when it comes to Bowlby’s other three types of attachment. There is “Preoccupied Attachment”. This is found, all too often, among children who are being raised by parents who are preoccupied with their jobs or other aspects of their life. Their child is simply an “afterthought” who might be relegated to “latch key” status. When the child is forgotten, they are likely to be quite anxious regarding their relationship with other people—even as an adult. They are obsessed with being attended to and crave intimacy.
As adults, these men and women are likely to be overly dependent and demanding in their relationships. They are terrified when left alone. While, as Bowlby mentioned, the expectations regarding indifference and preoccupation might build up slowly over the years, they are resistant to change once they are established. With only minimal provocation (such as a minor slight) there is regression back to the state of anxiety in which these adults lived during much of their early childhood.
There is a third type of attachment experienced by children that leads to not just a willingness to be left alone but actually a desire (at least on the surface) to be self-sufficient and independent of all people. This state of “Dismissive Attachment” is produced when the child seeks to avoidant their primary caregiver(s). The adult doesn’t ignore the child; rather they hurt or at least threaten the child. It might be a case of alcoholism, powerless frustration or simply a cultural norm of parental (and often paternal) dominance. Given that the child wishes to hide from their parent, they often appear detached and unable to establish intimate relationships as adults. They might even replicate their parents’ abusive behavior by being abusive to their partner and/or children.
