Our search for psychic survival by minimizes our sense of self makes us vulnerable to virtually any version of authenticity. It is hard, if not impossible, to gain and maintain a coherent sense of self if we are barraged with multiple challenges and many compelling images of the “successful”, “healthy” or at least “satisfied” selves. At an even more penetrating level, we can turn to the perspective offered by Harry Stack Sullivan (1953), who suggests that our sense of self is based on the specific relationship in which we are currently engaged. It changes when we meet with someone else. Leslie Brothers (2001) takes it even further, suggesting that our sense of reality is defined within specific relationships. Perhaps we find it very challenging when relating to someone with very different perspectives precisely because our version of self and reality is besieged in this relationship.
Connecting with Other People and Expressing Emotions
Carol Gilligan has clearly sought to capture a portrait of adult development that is more often aligned with women than with men — and with women and men who live in many nonwestern cultures. We find a contextual epistemology in many societies. In many Asian societies, for instance, the meaning of a word will change depending on the type of relationship in which the word is being conveyed. We also see an emphasis on context in most African societies—with emphasis being placed on the spoken word within a relationship rather than the written word that is context-free (Bergquist, 2021b).
Like those who live in nonwestern cultures, Gilligan proposes that the spoken word is critical for many women living in Western cultures (especially the United States). She writes about women finding their voice, rather than just expressing themselves through action (which is a more common preference among men). Furthermore, the content of what is being said may vary between women and men. In traditional American society, it is the men’s way which tends to prevail when it comes to knowing and it is the women’s way that tends to be dominant with regard to feeling. Specifically: the so-called women’s way of feeling is manifest as the clear articulation of feelings through the use of words. Women in our society have been socialized to share their feelings with other people through talking about these feelings. By contrast, men have traditionally been socialized to not speak about their feelings, nor to show these feelings directly in public. “Real men” aren’t supposed to cry, be too exuberant or be too “touchy-feely.”
Finding One’s Voice
Along with her colleagues at the Stone Center, Carol Gilligan wrote about the developmental challenge associated with finding one’s genuine voice (whether as a young woman or as a woman in mid-life). The focus is on the voice of women as they are engaged in connected relationships with other people. While Gilligan is focused particularly on the challenges that women face in finding their voice, I would suggest, ultimately, that this is a developmental challenge for all of us—men and women. For me to be truly free, I must find what it is that I truly believe. To be truly free, I must be able to articulate clearly and in a compelling fashion to other people what I believe – particularly in a manner that furthers trust with other people. It is with the “freedom” of honesty that I can establish a deeply trusting and supportive relationship with another person.
